Twentysomethings, TV, Twilight and Other ABC’s of Newsstand Sales

Yesterday, WWD reported that magazine publishers were seeing, at best, single-digit declines in newsstand sales in the first half of this year. Bearing that grim news in mind, today the fashion industry trade publication made an honest attempt to figure out what kinds of covers might help glossy magazines boost their sales and forestall the coming print apocalypse.

Presumably because magazine editors are too busy looking at cat pics on the Internet to actually read through the 700-word piece and retain any of the information therein, WWD decided to break their findings down into a mnemonic device. If you’re racking your brain trying to figure out who to book for your upcoming fashion cover, don’t despair — instead, refer to the Three T’s of Newsstand Sales: “Twentysomethings, TV, and Twilight.” (Yes, Twilight. Our culture is cool because it’s dictated by teenagers with underdeveloped frontal lobes.)

To give magazines a hand, I thought I might offer some alternative ABC’s of newsstand sales, just in case WWD‘s suggestions seem too depressing.

Axes to Grind, Awesome, And Here’s a Story About the Rest of Your Life

Busy, Bitchy, Basket Case

Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Can I Help You With Something?, Curtain Call

Deserts and Desserts, Despicable, Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough

Enough!, End of Times, Eat Some String Cheese It’s Really Good

Fast Forward Through Commercials with DVR, Facebook Friends, Fall Apart Over Email

Grumpy, Gaslighting, Get Your Shoes On

Have a Nice Day, Have Nots, Have No Mercy

iMe, I Can’t, I Don’t Think You Can Dance

Just Kidding, Just Friends, Just Wanting to Be Somebody

Koalas, Kangaroos, Kung Fu

Last Night’s Party Was Nothing Special, Leave Me Alone, Lots to Look Forward to If You Let Yourself

Max Out the Minimum Wage, Mad About Someone Other Than You, Misfits on BBC

Nervous Breakup, Need a Haircut, No Hope that R-Patz and K-Stew Will Reunite

Outsource the News, Oversharers and Proud, Oulipo

Pacman Apologists, Pick a Side But Only the Right One, Panic Everywhere But At the Disco

Question Whether You Need to Question Everything, Quixotic Attempt to Resuscitate a Dying Industry, Queen of Your Heart

Rescue Fantasies, Read More Twitter, Really? I Mean, REALLY?

Soft Spot on a Baby’s Head, Single Ladies That Don’t Want You To Put a Ring On It, Songs About Love

Tap Into the Network, Take a Step Back Again and Again Until You’re Running Backwards, Time for a Nap

Utilize is a Dumb Word, Use Dry Shampoo, Universal Daycare

Venn Diagram Your Relationship, Very Nice to Meet You, Visit Your Grandma

What a Sorry Excuse for a Human Being, When One Door Closes Another Won’t Open Unless You Go and Open It, Waste Not Still Want Everything

X-Ray Your Hopes and Dreams, X-Chromosomes Are Something Everyone Has, Xanadu Was a Real Place

You and Me Were Meant to Be Sitting Next to Each Other On This Bus, Yeah I’m Running Out of Ideas, Yeast Makes Bread Rise

Zig-A-Zag-Ah, Zoom in On Your Mole, Zebra Stripes As a Metaphor For Life I’ll Tell You About Some Day

Image via TFS Forums